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Journal prompts + dive deeper👇🏼 If you struggle to be yourself and often feel stuck in your head, trying to figure out the “right” thing… And it feels like somehow everyone else knows the right thing but you’re left in the dark… You may have experienced a pattern in childhood where your body was afraid, and you tried to communicate that, but the communication of your internal experience wasn’t enough to influence or change the hurtful or scary behaviors of the adults around you. This can lead to immense feelings of powerlessness and teach you that your internal experience isn’t trustworthy material to keep you safe. You then numb yourself to you body and go into your head, trying to figure out who you need to be and what you need to do in order to be safe. The truth is, this DID keep you safe. You are alive. And you’ve gotten yourself to a place where you can now relearn that there’s no such thing as a right thing to do, and no one has the answers. Instead of that being scary, it can become fun and empowering. You can learn that using your internal experience — what you like and dislike — is actually the safest and most magnetic strategy imaginable. If this experience resonates with you, here are some questions to journal on: 👉🏼 who is the version of you who learned that your internal experience - how you feel, what you like and dislike - isn’t trustworthy information? 👉🏼 when you learned that, what traits did you begin to take on in order to be safe? Who did you become? 👉🏼 what are the ways that version of you has played out throughout your life? Are you that protective version of you in relationships? At your job? 👉🏼 what is your relationship with that version of you? You might judge them or be frustrated with them, but what we want is immense warmth, respect and appreciation. 👉🏼 who do you become when you decide that your internal experience is your MOST trustworthy source of information? Who’s the version of you who fully owns what you like and dislike? What’s their energy like? #cptsd #selfawareness #trauma #somatichealing #nervoussystem
Dive deeper👇🏼 Notice the tendency of yours to try to solve the riddle of other peoples’ internal world and motivations. You’re doing this because you hope that clarity on their internal world will make you safe. This hyper awareness on them is taking from your awareness of you. Another way of saying this is that you’re giving away your power. The more you tolerate giving away your power, the more you will unconsciously attract, be attracted to, and choose people who drive you mad. The way you reclaim your power is this: 👉🏼 what are the patterns over time? 👉🏼 which patterns do you like? 👉🏼 which patterns do you not like? 👉🏼 what happens when you communicate something you don’t like? Do you like how they respond? 👉🏼 what are their patterns of transparent communication of their inner world? Do you like how they seem to be motivated to fill you in on what’s happening inside of them? Or do they not seem to be interested in that? 💡Most important: are you ready to choose to no longer be a person who continually tolerates what you don’t like? 💡Are you ready to choose to be a person who pays close attention to what you like, grows what you like, notices what you don’t like, seek to transform what you don’t like into what you like, or say bye bye 👋🏼 THAT is the energy that is likely to attract people into your life who want you 💗 #relationships #personalgrowth #selfactualize #selfawareness #cocreation #communication
Dive deeper👇🏼 You are harshly self-critical because a part of you sincerely believes that’s the way you need to be. This part either believes you’re undeserving of kindness, or that kindness *lets you off the hook* and means you won’t change. But this part of you mistaken. 🧠 Let’s go to the brain When you are harshly self-critical, your brain experiences that the same as an immediate threat in your environment. When there’s a threat, your nervous system locks down and reinforces everything you’ve done up until this point to survive, including the thing you’re criticizing yourself about. Your neural synapses, where information gets exchanged in your brain, literally lock up disallowing you to consider, process and integrate new information. A threatened nervous system is one where change cannot occur. Kindness and warmth toward yourself, on the other hand, indicate to your nervous system that the external environment is safe. When your nervous system perceives this safety it relaxes and settles. Your neural synapses open up allowing you to consider, process and integrate new information. 💡Your first step is learning to form a relationship with the version of you who thinks you need self-criticism and don’t deserve kindness. Practice being kind to them and learning about them. 👉🏼 when did they learn self criticism was the correct thing? 👉🏼 what do they fear will happen if you are kind to yourself? #neuroplasticity #memoryconsolidation #selfcompassioncoaching #compassion #innercritic #selflove #personalgrowth
Questions to ask yourself👇🏼 In order to actually love and accept people as they are, who do YOU need to become? What relationships does this version of you invest in? What life is this version of you building? Who’s the version of you who doesn’t need anyone to change but is eager to support people’s evolution if that’s what they want? #selfawareness #relationships #communication #fulfillment #relationshipadvice
The next obvious question is...👇🏼 How do I practice self-kindness and warmth? I’m so glad to ask because that is exactly what l’m here to help you with. Self-kindness isn’t just about *positive self talk* In fact, positive self talk can aggravate your inner critic and make things worse. Self kindness is about learning to move toward the wound, rather than run away from it; to feel like you’ve likely been intellectualizing your whole life 💕 It is in the learning to feel that you create an internal environment that’s able to transform. I just recently released a podcast called How to Transform Your Unconscious Wounds on The Flynn Skidmore Podcast - that will be a FANTASTIC next step for you Thank you for being here! #nervoussystem #selflove #selfactualize #innercritic #selfawareness
Dive deeper👇🏼 I think what you’re really afraid of here is the meaning you will make about yourself if this person leaves or decides you’re not a match for them. So, if they leave, what would that say about you? What would that mean? 💡And now let’s go back in time: 👉🏼When did you become afraid of that particular meaning of yourself? 👉🏼What’s your earliest memory of being afraid of that particular self-meaning? 👉🏼What was the environment like that made it necessary to develop this meaning of yourself? 👉🏼Who’s the version of you who learned to see yourself that way? 👉🏼And what is your current relationship with this version of you? 👉🏼Do they know you’re there with infinite acceptance and warmth? 👉🏼Do they know they infinitely belong with you? #partswork #ifs #relationships #communication #selflove
Dive deeper👇🏼 The best version of confidence shows up as kindness, consideration and a desire to empower others. This version of confidence demonstrates you have access to an abundance of internal life-giving resources like warmth and love. When you are anxious, is because a part of you is afraid of certain consequences. More scary than the consequences if the meaning this part thinks it must make if the consequences occur. If the date doesn’t go well, that proves I’m unlikable and undesirable. Confidence isn’t about pretending this fear doesn’t exist. It’s about finding that afraid part of you and giving them warmth; accepting them as they are without forcing to change them but simply seeking to empower them. This internal relationship allows you to have the resources to be kind to and empower the person in front of you. We might describe this as confidence, but what it really is is a desire to be warm to both your internal and external worlds 💗 #confidence #partswork #relationships #anxiety #selfawareness
Questions to dive deeper👇🏼 Who’s the version of you that’s all about the repression of your soul and your truth? Let’s call this version R (for repress) Who’s the version of you that’s all about the ownership and full expression of your soul and your truth? Let’s call this version T (for truth) Where in your life are you version R? Where are you version T? Do you notice any patterns or tendencies to be predominantly version R and hope that if the other person changes then you’ll get to be more of version T? Where in your life are you making it others’ responsibility for you to be version T? What would life look like if you took full ownership of being version T and held yourself fully responsible for investing in people and environments that are a match for your version T? #relationships #selfawareness #truth #personalfreedom #personalresponsibility
Dive deeper👇🏼 Here’s ONE way you can know you’re settling: Your conflicts never get resolved or feel complete. You don’t feel like your conflicts allow you both to identify necessary material in order to heal unconscious wounds. In order to end the conflict you have to repress your frustration. Nothing transforms. 😵‍💫 But here’s the real truth: When I have been in a relationship where this is the conflict pattern... I wasn’t just settling in a relationship. I was settling in life. I hadn’t yet fully committed to becoming exactly who I wanted to be; I hadn’t taken the leap. My relationships were unconscious strategies to distract me so I could avoid the fear inherent to fully sending it, embracing the unknown, and going after the life I wanted. At the time, I blamed them for not being emotionally intelligent enough to resolve conflict. What was really happening was that I was using the relationship so I could stay small #relationships #personaldevelopment #selfaware #codependency #traumabonds
Journal prompts and deeper dive👇🏼 First, just to be clear, when your body spends a lot of time close to another’s and your nervous systems co-regulate, it will hurt and confuse your body when you two are no longer spending time together. That said, if them moving on faster is driving you crazy, here’s what’s probably happening: 💗 Making meaning of things is one of the most beautiful things humans do and it is also one of the most torturous. That said, I think them moving on fast is triggering a certain meaning you’re afraid of. Something like: 👉🏼 "This must mean they didn't really care." Many people will tell you to not take it personally. I think that's really bad advice. A part of you IS taking it personally and we don't want to pretend that's not there. We don't want to ignore it. We want to move closer to it. This fear, and the pattern of (for example) feeling like someone doesn't really care, will continue in your life until you learn to form a warm and accepting relationship with the part of you who's terrified of the idea that they didn't really care. 📝 Who is that version of you? 📝 When did they learn that if someone's care is taken away you could be hurt? 📝 what personality traits have you developed to protect yourself from this hurt? When you have a warm and loving relationship with this part of you - a strong and beautiful bond - you will access immense peace and acceptance in response to any decision that anyone makes 💕 #acceptance #coregulation #partswork #innerchild #relationships #breakup
Dive deeper👇🏼 What’s essential is that you don’t make them wrong for the pattern they demonstrate. Their mixed signals don’t make them a bad person, they’re not to blame, and this pattern doesn’t define them. Maybe they’re this way with everyone; maybe they’re this way with you. It’s not about them being wrong, it’s simply that you don’t like the pattern: it doesn’t align with you, the relationship you want, and what you want to invest your energy into. You can not like something while also not making the other person wrong (which, btw, is the most confident and empowered energy possible), and when you approach a conversation with this energy, you’re much more likely to produce results you like. The question isn’t about which sets of their behaviors tell the truth about how they feel, the question is do they WANT to be a person who sends mixed signals. If yes, they do, then you get to decide if they’re the right person for you. If no, they are inspired to be something else AND you both want to be close with one another, then you can use the relationship to help transform this pattern and the both of you in the process 💗💗💗
Are you in a great relationship? Arguing 1-2 types per week is normal. The question is, is it the same argument with no solution other than to repress your frustration? Or is it conflict that you use as potential energy to propel you into fuller self-expression, self-understanding, and personal freedom? A great relationship is one where both people are committed to becoming who they want to be, and each hold themselves 100% responsible for doing so. Both people invest heavily in the relationship because it makes it easier faster and more fun for them both to become who they want to be. Both of these people are eager to identify and heal their unconscious wounds, and both see conflict as the perfect opportunity to do so. Conflict in this relationship is actually energizing and nourishing because both people trust themselves and the other to use the conflict as material to become more of who they want to be, and in turn implement permanent and sustainable solutions. #relationships #conflict #selfawareness #coregulation #personalgrowth
Dive deeper👇🏼 I heard this concept from @robertedwardgrant , “you will continue to attract what you judge until you no longer judge it.” If you want to attract people into your life who see you, meet you with curiosity and compassion, then it is essential that YOU embody these traits as you relate to others. It is especially important to practice embodying these traits as you relate to the things other people do that are easy to judge. The red flag you’re judging this other person for… they may not even want to be that way or do that thing. And it’s probably the case that they’ve NEVER found themselves in an environment where they’re not being forced to change or made to defend themselves, but rather are met with warmth, acceptance, and sincere curiosity. 👉🏼 (with warm, non-force and non-attached to changing them energy) “does this trait align with who you want to be?” If yes, then that information helps you decide whether or not moving closer to this relationship is right for you. If no, this trait doesn’t align with who they want to be, then who DO they want to be and does the relationship matter to you enough to help them become who they want? #relationships #redflags #communication #selfactualize #personaldevelopment
The 4 most important relationship questions to ask👇🏼 1. Do I know exactly who I want to be and how, and does this relationship make it easier, faster and more fun to transform wounds in the process of becoming who I want to be? 2. Do I know exactly who THEY want to be, do, and feel and am I inspired and eager to help them spend their lives being, doing, and feeling what they want? Does their vision inspire me? 3. Knowing I will spend my life becoming exactly who I want to me, and will not tolerate the opposite, have I accessed deep acceptance and love of others? Or, because I don't trust I'll spend my life becoming exactly who i want to be, do I have a need for others to be different than they are? In order to be able to more fully accept and love others, who must I become? 4. If I'm dissatisfied in my relationship might it be because I am unconsciously using this relationship as a distraction and a strategy to avoid fully owning what I desire and creating a life I love? #relationships #codependency #unconscious #selfactualize #communication
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