Dr Julie | Psychologist

Wait for it 😬 So many of us numb our emotion because the natural instinct is to push away anything painful or uncomfortable. You imagine that if you allow any of your emotions to surface, that they’ll all rise up and you’ll lose control of them, maybe even struggle to calm them again. This is a common fear that prevents many people from talking about how they feel or accessing therapy. But there is a misconception about how you work through trauma in therapy. A therapist will never ask you to bring up old wounds until they trust that you can manage those painful emotions safely. And one of the reasons that therapy takes time is that it’s not done all at once. Things are done at your own pace in a safe space and only when you both decide that you are ready. 👉More on this in my international bestselling book - Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before? (Currently -50% see link in bio). Filled with insights from therapy about how to deal with real life problems. Available in over 40 languages 🇬🇧 🇺🇸 🇮🇳 🇨🇳 🇨🇦 🇦🇺 🇦🇱 🇧🇷 🇧🇬 🇭🇷 🇨🇿 🇩🇰 🇪🇪 🇫🇮 🇫🇷 🇩🇪 🇬🇷 🇭🇺 🇮🇸 🇮🇩 🇮🇱 🇮🇹 🇯🇵 🇱🇻 🇱🇹 🇲🇰 🇳🇱 🇳🇴 🇵🇱 🇵🇹 🇷🇴 🇷🇺 🇷🇸 🇸🇰 🇸🇮 🇰🇷 🇪🇸 🇸🇪 🇹🇼 🇹🇭 🇹🇷 🇺🇦 🇻🇳

Last one is the most important ❤️

🫣 NEVER SAY NO.1 See below for what to say instead ⬇️ • “People will forget what you said…but will never forget how you made them feel.” - Maya Angelo. This quote rings true when you are trying to support someone who is struggling. Focus less on getting the exact words right, and more on how you are trying to make them feel. • Aim to make them feel safe, secure, respected, and listened to, really listened to. • Park any judgement that arises and turn your mind to curiosity. Seek only to understand. • Ask about when things feel better, when they feel worse, what helps, and what makes it more difficult. As you build a detailed picture of what it is like for them, they will also benefit from the insight gained by reflecting on it in this way. • Ask them how you can best support them. Take the guessing game out of it. Many people already have a clear idea of what would help them. It can be as simple as consistently showing up to be a friend. • Remember, you are not here to solve all their problems. Don’t underestimate the power of simply being there and showing you care. • You can help in practical ways, like babysitting while they attend therapy appointments or joining them to go out for a walk every day. Try to support them in things that will steer toward recovery. 👉More on this in my international bestselling book - Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before? (Currently -50% see link in bio). Filled with insights from therapy about how to deal with real life problems. Available in over 40 languages 🇬🇧 🇺🇸 🇮🇳 🇨🇳 🇨🇦 🇦🇺 🇦🇱 🇧🇷 🇧🇬 🇭🇷 🇨🇿 🇩🇰 🇪🇪 🇫🇮 🇫🇷 🇩🇪 🇬🇷 🇭🇺 🇮🇸 🇮🇩 🇮🇱 🇮🇹 🇯🇵 🇱🇻 🇱🇹 🇲🇰 🇳🇱 🇳🇴 🇵🇱 🇵🇹 🇷🇴 🇷🇺 🇷🇸 🇸🇰 🇸🇮 🇰🇷 🇪🇸 🇸🇪 🇹🇼 🇹🇭 🇹🇷 🇺🇦 🇻🇳

👉It’s the last part is so relatable. An ability to neglect or even completely disregard your own emotions while being highly sensitive to how everyone else is feeling around you. This often makes sense when you start to unravel the learning that occurred in early life when you were entirely dependent on the adults around you. But once we reach adulthood, that way of relating to people can make it more difficult to find personal fulfilment or to have healthy relationships. Do you notice this showing up in your own life? When does it happen? And what does it cost you? What price do you pay for only listening to the emotions of others? 👉 More on this in my No.1 international bestselling book - Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before? (Currently -50% see link in bio). Filled with insights from therapy about how to deal with real life problems. Available in over 40 languages 🇬🇧 🇺🇸 🇮🇳 🇨🇳 🇨🇦 🇦🇺 🇦🇱 🇧🇷 🇧🇬 🇭🇷 🇨🇿 🇩🇰 🇪🇪 🇫🇮 🇫🇷 🇩🇪 🇬🇷 🇭🇺 🇮🇸 🇮🇩 🇮🇱 🇮🇹 🇯🇵 🇱🇻 🇱🇹 🇲🇰 🇳🇱 🇳🇴 🇵🇱 🇵🇹 🇷🇴 🇷🇺 🇷🇸 🇸🇰 🇸🇮 🇰🇷 🇪🇸 🇸🇪 🇹🇼 🇹🇭 🇹🇷 🇺🇦 🇻🇳

👉 We don’t only grieve when people die. We grieve when relationships end and things change. We grieve for the loss of what we dreamt that relationship could be. We grieve for the aspects of that relationship that we miss, even if other parts of it were damaging. So let yourself grieve, without attaching the assumption that it means you should return to it. • When you find yourself preoccupied with the other person’s behaviour after the breakup, remind yourself that you cannot control how others behave. You cannot allow your wellbeing to be determined by another. Take your life into your own hands and start working on constructing this new life in which you look after yourself, trusting that it was right for the relationship to end. • If you know the relationship was damaging but you find yourself looking back with rose tinted glasses, take action to ensure that you make informed choices. Not choices based on an idealised view of someone who couldn’t live up to that all the time. Write down and remind yourself of the clear reasons that you decided the relationship was not right for you. Feel free to share with others @drjulie 👉For more on understanding relationships, check out my book, Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before? Link in bio 😃

👉 Can be scary but last point in this video is key. Experiencing depersonalization on occasion is not unusual and does not suggest there is anything with you. But it does point to a strain on body and mind coming from somewhere. It can be brought on by high levels of stress or sleep deprivation. If that is the case for you, then it’s helpful to understand what it is and to remind yourself it is temporary but worth addressing. These experiences are a cue to action. What needs are not being met and how can you make a change to meet that need? It might be as simple as getting some more sleep, or saying no to something to reduce your stress. But, if this is something that occurs for you on a regular basis then getting some support to look into it might be a good idea. Have you ever experienced depersonalization? How did you manage it? 👉 More from me in my No.1 international bestselling book - Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before? (Currently -50% see link in bio). Filled with insights from therapy about how to deal with real life problems. Available in over 40 languages 🇬🇧 🇺🇸 🇮🇳 🇨🇳 🇨🇦 🇦🇺 🇦🇱 🇧🇷 🇧🇬 🇭🇷 🇨🇿 🇩🇰 🇪🇪 🇫🇮 🇫🇷 🇩🇪 🇬🇷 🇭🇺 🇮🇸 🇮🇩 🇮🇱 🇮🇹 🇯🇵 🇱🇻 🇱🇹 🇲🇰 🇳🇱 🇳🇴 🇵🇱 🇵🇹 🇷🇴 🇷🇺 🇷🇸 🇸🇰 🇸🇮 🇰🇷 🇪🇸 🇸🇪 🇹🇼 🇹🇭 🇹🇷 🇺🇦 🇻🇳

👉 Which one can you relate to most? Some people resonate with both. The tendency is to withdraw and not to bother people with your presence. But when you find yourself around people, the tendency is to exhaust yourself trying to be enough for them, to earn their company. So how do you even begin to deal with this? The first, and most crucial step is to start noticing it in all of the times and places it occurs. Sounds easy, but this type of behaviour will be so automated and habitual that it will happen time and time again in ways that you may not notice. So journalling with a focus on how this crops up is a great way to start spotting it. Exploring where this came from can help to make sense of the powerful feelings that arise and that make it so difficult to do anything different. Once we are able to see emotions and urges to act in certain ways, as echoes from the past, we can more easily experiment with going against those urges and experimenting with a new way of behaving. Use the journalling to ask yourself, what would I do differently if I felt more worthy of others company? Apply that type of question to the array of different situations that are affected, and see if you can take steps in that direction. It will, of course, feel uncomfortable and anxiety provoking to begin with. Thats because this is new. Take the fear with you and see how far you can go. 👉 More on this in my No.1 international bestselling book - Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before? (Currently -50% see link in bio). Filled with insights from therapy about how to deal with real life problems. Available in over 40 languages 🇬🇧 🇺🇸 🇮🇳 🇨🇳 🇨🇦 🇦🇺 🇦🇱 🇧🇷 🇧🇬 🇭🇷 🇨🇿 🇩🇰 🇪🇪 🇫🇮 🇫🇷 🇩🇪 🇬🇷 🇭🇺 🇮🇸 🇮🇩 🇮🇱 🇮🇹 🇯🇵 🇱🇻 🇱🇹 🇲🇰 🇳🇱 🇳🇴 🇵🇱 🇵🇹 🇷🇴 🇷🇺 🇷🇸 🇸🇰 🇸🇮 🇰🇷 🇪🇸 🇸🇪 🇹🇼 🇹🇭 🇹🇷 🇺🇦 🇻🇳

👉 Can you relate? Does your world come crashing down around you, even with small mistakes? If you notice that happens, it’s a great opportunity to learn something important about yourself. Here’s some of the questions to ask yourself: • What feelings have come up in reaction to this mistake? • Were those feelings more intense than they might have been for others in this situation? • What thoughts came up about me, or others, or the world? • What urges came up? Maybe urges to escape, self-punish, or lash out at someone else? • What does this mistake mean to you? Do you believe it says something about who you are as a person? Look for those “I am” statements, such as “I am a failure” or “I am unloveable” Those statements that seem to get triggered and then cause intense pain, can often reflect some damaging core beliefs about ourselves or the world. We are not consciously aware of them all the time. But they rise up when we find even the slightest sign that they might be true, no matter how much evidence we have to the contrary. This is called confirmation bias. Shaking up core beliefs is highly psychologically threatening because it disrupts our ability to predict the world around us. So, even when a belief is not a healthy (or true) one, your brain will look to confirm it before letting it go. Thanks for being here ❤️ Feel free to share @drjulie 👉 More on this in my No.1 international bestselling book - Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before? (Currently -50% see link in bio). Filled with insights from therapy about how to deal with real life problems. Available in over 40 languages 🇬🇧 🇺🇸 🇮🇳 🇨🇳 🇨🇦 🇦🇺 🇦🇱 🇧🇷 🇧🇬 🇭🇷 🇨🇿 🇩🇰 🇪🇪 🇫🇮 🇫🇷 🇩🇪 🇬🇷 🇭🇺 🇮🇸 🇮🇩 🇮🇱 🇮🇹 🇯🇵 🇱🇻 🇱🇹 🇲🇰 🇳🇱 🇳🇴 🇵🇱 🇵🇹 🇷🇴 🇷🇺 🇷🇸 🇸🇰 🇸🇮 🇰🇷 🇪🇸 🇸🇪 🇹🇼 🇹🇭 🇹🇷 🇺🇦 🇻🇳